Autism/PTSD: Self Doubt

I know what it’s like to doubt myself. When I do I think about how my worth does not come from another. My Mom was very abusive. She taught me I was to blame for all that ailed her and that I was worthless. And I believed her.

It took years of practicing self love thoughts to rebuild my self image. When we see that our worth does not come from outside of us but rather within we discover that we are intrinsically already worthy. And in that we are all already doing a good job at life. We aren’t always to blame. We aren’t worthless. That is a lie.

That does not mean we don’t still have work to do because we always will. But it does help us to see that we have intrinsic value and worth. And from there the wounds of others begin to tell us about those people, not ourselves.

How others treat us teaches us about them, not us. That isn’t to say we aren’t responsable for how we treat others because we are. But when we have self love, we think and feel from that place and that love fills us up and then pours out.

Learning to rewire our own minds into self love from self despise is a huge piece of the puzzle in healing from childhood and relationship wounds.

It isn’t easy, but I know it can be done because I have done it. Every time I thought a disparaging thought about myself, I learned to challenge it with a positive thought. At first that was really hard but I did it. I slowly built a new foundation in my mind; one in which I knew self love.

When our mental foundation was built in chaos, abuse, emotional and physical violence, and trauma naturally our way of thinking will be skewed. Once we leave abuse it is up to us to rebuild the foundations.

Abuse causes PTSD because it was very much a war within. Words can be like bombs set off causing wounds that can take decades to heal from. I always said the emotional abuse was far worse than the physical. My mother’s and exes words stuck to my psyche almost permanently.

This is not something we always realize. But it is true that abusive relationships cause PTSD. Many wonder why that is. Often people have said to me, “how can you have PTSD? You didn’t go to war.” I believe that it is because the battle ground was my heart and mind. Words and fists were weapons of mass destruction of my mind and heart and I was but a child. And later, as an adult, I repeated this type of love relationship because I never learned what love really looked like. My mind grew in a war zone without much in the way of nourishing healthy love. And like a harrowed survivor I grew used to the war within. I sought out destruction because it was all I ever knew.

So, in that way I imagine that I must rebuild my inside landscape in much the same way a warzone is rebuilt after the war. I must lay new foundation. I must build new walls of protection through boundaries. I must paint the walls fresh, and plant beautiful new gardens. I must tend and water and nourish what others set out to destroy. And the most hopeful and promising thing is that I have done it. I am doing it. And everyday I find more love, and surprisingly there was always that well within me. I merely needed to dig deep down inside myself and tap that well. And amazingly, that well of love will never run dry.

I love you.
I believe you.
I honor you no.
I hold space for your healing.
You are not alone.

-Angel Marie Russell

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